On choosing a partner...

I was talking to a friend a few days back. She is someone whose philosophy toward life I hold in high regard, someone whose clarity of thought is impressive, who walks with such a degree of self assurance that you tend to think, confidence ought to be her natural ally!

I was reminiscing about our college days when something that she had told me then came back vividly, the trigger being the fact that she has chosen her life partner now. Back then, she had told me that two people should never imagine a future together if they are not "complete" individually. To elaborate, if I seek something to feel "complete", I should not look for a partner who will possess that "something" and by consequence, make me feel "complete".

She is an admirer of thought provoking literature and it is little wonder that she was able to put forward such a profound thought in so simple terms. As I discussed that philosophy with her, I could not help but think of the couples and relationships I have come across till date.

Some people look for their opposites in their partners thinking that opposites attract and the union would sustain by virtue of the novelty each partner would see in the other. Some others enter into relationship because of some attribute in their partner that they find very appealing. Because people change over time, this attribute that drew them in the first place might lose its appeal and a weariness begins to set in. In this case, the relationship starts off with a one sided attraction that turns into an obsession and evolves to a state where one becomes very much dependent on the other.

Some people keep it simple and have physical attractiveness as a criteria conveniently ignoring the fact that while the body can age fast, it is the mind that can remain sharp over a longer period! Some others simplify by looking for things that they themselves have in lesser measure, money, status, gregariousness etc. This is not different from looking for opposites. A few others prefer looking for similarities in taste and interests.

The common thread that runs across all these people is that they "look" for something in their partner. They might either lack what they look for or they might think that by looking for something definite and specific, they can make their own situation better. This is like a person trying to switch a job in search of a better pay and a better profile to augment his skills and lifestyle! The funniest part is when people think they are in "love" when they are doing this!

Aren't we better off not seeking anything in a partner, in other words, feeling a deep sense of contentment in ourselves before looking for a partner? If only, as my friend said, we feel "complete" and we realize that true happiness can only ensue by individual striving and inner peace, we would choose wisely: We would choose someone who is able to tolerate us, who accepts us as we are without wanting to change us, who is confident enough not to indulge in petty possessiveness, who is generous enough to accommodate our tastes and interests and give us the space we need to be ourselves...!

Will forever remain indebted to this wonderful friend who is a source of inspiration in many aspects...! 

Siva's laws of physics

Dear Reader,

Have you ever doubted the credibility of Newton's laws of physics or Einstein's? Have you ever questioned whether the Earth is really round? Have you ever tested and found that the Archimedes principle does not hold? These things can never happen for physical laws exist for everyone to accept. They cannot be resisted, challenged or proven wrong.

In life, friendship and relationships too, such laws exist. The only difference being that you deal with human beings and hence you doubt, challenge, resist and try to get around them. Alas, you cannot! I pondered over this and decided to write down my own laws, laws that are akin to the laws of physics. So, here we go...

There are totally 5 laws and an axiom that follows from the five. As you read, think as if you are reading a few laws of physics. Don't bother questioning them. It would be an effort in vain!

Law #1 : At any point in our lives, there is little we can do to choose the people around us. Be it our teachers, bosses, acquaintances or the random stranger we meet every day, they simply exist. Of these men and women, the ones we spend the most part of our waking hours with, determine and influence our emotions. We can run away from some of these people but there is no guarantee that they will not follow us or we shall not meet people of the same ilk again!

Law #2 : In any relationship, be it between mother and son or two lovers or two friends or two relatives, one person may not and cannot be important to the same degree as the other person would like him/her to be or in fact might think him/her is!

Law #3 : The past cannot claim our present unless and until we let it to. The future lies in the future. We have only the present to make the best use of!

Law #4 : The degree of happiness one would like to enjoy is inversely proportional to the size of one's own "I". The more importance one accords himself or herself, the less he/she will get to experience happiness and happiness cannot be pursued. It ensues. Happiness is the only way to a healthy, rewarding and prosperous inner life.

Law #5 : While goodness is man's natural state, badness exists to accentuate the appeal of goodness.

Now that the five laws are laid out, the seemingly tedious but actually simple axiom is :

People appear as the adjectives we attribute to them in our thoughts. If we attribute positive and optimistic attributes to them, they would help bring forth happiness in our lives. Whenever we interact with anybody in our lives, we ought to be aware of the adjective we attribute to him/her. If we find that we are beginning to attribute negative or pessimistic adjectives, we should correct the adjective to a positive/optimistic one. If we practise this like the act of brushing teeth, it will soon become our habit and we'll see a massive change in all the people around us.

Amen!

Theories to sustain the state of happiness!

If we do things that make us feel happy, we see the world as a happy place. If we see the world as a happy place, we become more optimistic, loving, enthusiastic and open. This state of being attracts optimism, love and enthusiasm into our lives and we subconsciously set in motion a cycle that taps into the law of attraction.

Cynicism is the first sign of a downward spiral in any friendship or relationship. It is better to trust and reap its result, whatever it may be, than be a cynic and forestall the blossoming of something beautiful!

 The past is behind us and can never claim our future unless we let it. The future is in the future and while planning for it should take up some of our resources, we should not be overwhelmed by it. The present moment is all we have to live and every moment of our conscious living should be spent in experiencing it completely. 

Happiness is a state of being and it is only in our own capacity, we can continue being in that beautiful state. If we seek happiness in the company of other human beings, we are forever doomed to lose it for reasons beyond our control. 

Fun at Nimisha's Kitchen

Genuine warmheartedness and friendship - only the blessed get to experience. This past weekend, I felt blessed at Living Inn, Ludwigsburg. An invite for dinner turned out to be my most memorable evening in this German city...

On a cold Saturday afternoon, I started cycling toward Ludwigsburg. The cycling track cut across vast tracks of fields and I was lucky enough to spot two old gentlemen harvesting carrots while engaged in jovial banter. Unbeknown to them, I stopped my bike to take in this rare sight. How often does one get to observe a thing like this in a foreign land??? Oblivious to their surroundings, they continued to wriggle their arms in the mud...

Nimisha in her quintessential multilingual style had spelt the address as bhooka pahad, naalu, Ludwigsburg.  (For the benefit of the majority who won't get this, she had meant Hungerberg 4, Ludwigsburg) I reached to find an apartment complex set in the most beautiful of surroundings. The Neckar was meandering along in its trail close by and a narrow path next to the complex seemed to lead to the Ludwigsburg Castle. The apparition of the complex could have been straight out of some fairytale.

Rasam with rice

Arun had made rasam and rice and I don't think I had enjoyed the taste of rasam quite as much as I did that particular afternoon. The salty-sour-spicy syrup gave life to taste buds that I never knew existed! Abhilash relished the taste so much that he slurped with satisfaction!

Swans on the Neckar

After that simple tasty lunch, we set out to explore the surroundings. Guided by Arun, we walked the stretch along the Neckar trail. Swans graced the shore with a charm and elegance that only the proud and beautiful can produce with ease! With their slender necks, they looked for easy prey and a bespectacled old guy happily obliged by taking pleasure in feeding them. We experimented with different angles for some pictures. 

Back at the Living inn, Ashutosh and Nimisha were just finishing noodles. Soon enough, the cabinet was opened again...all sorts of spices in all possible packet sizes could be seen fighting for space. Out of boxes, Tupperware and hung from nooks, they were waiting to exude their aroma...We set out to work. (A correction is in order: Nimisha and Arun set out while Abhilash and Ashutosh lent them a helping hand. Useless me just loitered around clicking pictures!) Ashutosh set about making bhel poori; Abhilash busied himself with making the sweet popcorn spicy.  Nimisha made dough and Arun got the vegetables in order. 

I fail to recall who began singing while I certainly remember Nimisha prodding Arun with Abhirami, Abhirami. In no time, Abhilash started his favorite Ghar se nikalte hi ; Ashutosh surprised everyone by playing his own rendition of Maa that got me a bit emotional. Nimisha, with her exuberance surpassed Shreya Goshal by firstly singing Pal pal and then striving to make every pal of the evening so beautiful for all of us. Sometimes I do wonder where this girl draws her energy and enthusiasm from...they seem to be from some perennial source! Arun mimicked actor Kamal Hassan from Dasavatharam to near perfection...

One for the group

When the clock neared 10, dinner was ready and we were ready to feast. Chairs materialized out of nowhere and that small kitchen expanded to accommodate the five of us. Abhilash did some running around before he could find a perfect spot for a timed click.  The smiles are all too evident. The Parathas and the brinjal curry tasted brilliant. Salad, curd and pickle complemented the menu perfectly.

Post lunch, flavored yoghurt and bananas made for a delectable dessert. What a memorable evening it turned out to be...one that I would cherish and hold dear for a long long time!

On a pleasant autumn evening...

He anxiously took his seat in the row just behind the driver, hoping that, like all days, she would take the seat diagonally across from him in the adjacent row. Sometimes, human will is so powerful that whatever is willed becomes true. Perhaps, it was one such evening for him. He had never spoken to her and he was pretty sure that she did not even know his name. However, it did not seem to matter for him.

The bus started. Strong winds held the rain at bay. Dark clouds seemed to herald an earlier-than-usual sunset. Tree leaves were changing colors from one day to the next and in that weather, as the bus gathered speed and the winds kissed the leaves, he was transported to cloud nine! The harvest season was underway and nature was glowing with a prominent swagger perhaps with the premonition that the predicted harsh winter would soon take its own toll...

As he thought about the changing seasons, he happened to catch her eye. He had wanted to steal a gaze or two and be reconciled to it for the short journey's duration because he knew the power of those probing eyes...She met his eyes and held his gaze for what seemed like an eternity. Later he would realize that it must not have been more than 5 seconds. Yet, those large round black eyes and the smile playing on her lips left him acutely embarrassed as if someone had caught him with his pants down. She was smartly dressed in a heavy jacket and blue jeans. He couldn't help notice that her choice of ear rings had improved. She now had long blue ones that probably danced in tune with her every change in expression.

The Sun was suddenly out from behind the dark clouds and it looked like a rainbow might reveal itself...she wore her ear phones and turned her gaze to the window. However, every time he tried to turn to catch sight of her, she became aware as if it was a game. This only added to his embarrassment and he buried his face in his bag. He wished somebody would call him..wished earnestly for something to happen that would relieve him of this pleasurable torture...!

After what seemed like ages, his stop came and he got up. She did not spare him with a graceful exit. Instead, she locked her eyes with his. He got down and just then, a flock of birds alighted from their spot on a balcony and as the signal turned green, flew gracefully above the heads of the people crossing the road. Perhaps, they best exemplified the urgent flutter of his heartbeats at that moment!

Happiness - A state of mind!

We and we alone are responsible for our happiness. People find a 1000 ways to be complex when it is so easy to be simple. There are a 1000 reasons to be happy about, but many people manage to find some reason or the other to be unhappy about. People who always have problems tend to suck out positive energy from us.

These are just some snippets of gyaan that I received of late from a friend in the course of a long discussion. After some pondering, I realize that, these are axioms that we find hard to assimilate, but in themselves, quite elegant in their obvious simplicity. Quite often in life, we worry and fret ourselves to tiredness about mundane things. At these times, if we remember this gyaan, it would do us a lot of good. To begin with, we would ask ourselves, is what we are worrying about worth worrying about in the first place? 

A few years back, after a most memorable outing - when we had went to a village in the outskirts of Bangalore- another friend had said, on the way back, "Nobody in this world is an altruist".  Every now and then, I remember this remark too, though, when it was said so casually then, I was a little jolted. To each, his own interest comes first and it is only natural that, when given free rein, each one of us would try to maximize our own happiness first. In the process, if others feel happy, then, fine, else, how does it matter? On very few occasions, we do endure some agony and unease, but, hardly without a future expectation of reciprocity. Thus, selfless nature seems, at best, a holy myth!

Enjoying the present moment in the best possible manner with the people one feels comfortable with - this is simplicity. As I read in somebody's status message, "Speak your mind because those who matter will always understand and those who don't matter, won't bother".

As we age, the people who matter to us are very few and hard to find. The worst part is, it is difficult to hold on to them. Any person-person relationship becomes much more complex and fragile...it can break so very easily especially when it takes so much effort to build them. 

All of this brings me to the topic. Happiness is just a state of mind. If we resolve to feel happy, no matter what shit happens around us, we can beat the living daylights out of the demons that try to engulf and cloud our thoughts! The rambling post comes to an end here...its highly unorganized, an outcome of a clouded thinking process...as I read the first paragraph, I don't even know what made me write this post.

Sunrise on the beach

To be happy is to let loose. What better way to do it than on a beach on an early morning? We went to the Kalpakkam beach near Great Lakes to catch the sunrise. The sea, especially when it is unpolluted by the attendant noise of human crowding, is regal and majestic. The surf, the sound of waves crashing on the shore, the unceasing ebb and tide - it is nothing but precision and perseverance at play, as they say, 'Time and tide wait for no man'.

Here we were, on a sunday morning, without any worries of the assignments the day after, letting our feet and body be washed over by the soothing waves. As we rocked back and forth, pushed and pulled by the momentum of the sea, all our preoccupations, thoughts, worries and emotions ceased as if, for the time being, we had won over the monotonous rumble of the everyday world. True bliss lies in the absence of thought. It is an experience that is rarely countenanced.

We clicked lots of pictures and behaved like school kids on a surprise expedition. Only the sweet sounds of happiness pervaded. It bathed us in an innocent glow, cutting through several layers of age and exposing our pure selves. The shadows stretched long and were gone in no time, the footprints we made were washed away by the gleaming white surf, grains of sand clung on to our feet only to fritter away the next second. Isn't there a bigger lesson behind all this? That, whatever we try to hold on to, whatever that gets attached to us, ultimately disengages from us leaving us barren and empty, save a core that lies untouched.Yet we hanker after things not worth a pursuit, run after riches that are forever elusive, work hard and sweat it out, only to lie down tired and defeated.

When it brightened enough to click a beautiful group picture, it was time to bid the beach good bye and head back to the daily grind waiting to entangle us. Happiness indeed, as my friend said yesterday evening, comes in tiny packages. Better to unwrap the package quickly and indulge in the treasure before it is snatched away.

Friendship - Some evergreen memories

12.40 PM on a warm and sunny day in the academic year 1996-97 - Four guys run out of their classes in the first floor of an imposing building onto the huge ground towards a shady tree some 100 meters away. In stainless steel lunch boxes, their mothers have packed lunch, they proceed to open the boxes hurriedly as crows monitor from above perched on the branches of the tree. As they eat, they discuss the maths and geography scores, how the geography teacher skips huge chunks from the text book and lulls the students into deep slumber, how the maths teacher makes sure that each student grasps the concepts...they discuss the fortunes of the Indian cricket team and the latest stationary store that has opened in the vicinity!


Early morning, Year 2001, the 10th standard results have just come out - two friends meet their tuition teacher near the town's lone mosque. She has just cleaned the house front and as she emerges outside, two little cats also come out and perch in their usual spots to see what is going on. The teacher monitors the marks and as is inevitable, she has some pleasant surprises and some crude shocks in store. 


3.55 PM on a pleasantly breezy day, year 2003 - two friends walk out from the school, imitating their maths teacher and singing paeans to the biology teacher's astonishing ability to hold the students in a trance. Their speed increases with every step they take, navigating the busy Shanmugham street to catch the 4.05 local. Once in the train, they look forward to the din and noise, as people thirsty for water and revel in every moment of the motion. As trees and houses rush by, they have no clue where they'll land up in life. Yet, there is no apprehension, only thoughts about the unit test next morning and the girl in the next compartment whose glimpse they'll catch when the train stops next.


12.15 PM, a terribly sunny day, year 2005, at the park near the Golden jubilee block - two guys are seen with their backs to the block, huddled together as they discuss the opinion pages of THE HINDU and compare it with that of the Deccan chronicle. They have neither completed the lab assignment due later in the afternoon nor do they worry about the angry stares they get from the teachers as they step late into the class, making an act of heavy panting for effect. As they walk back from the Veg mess, the sunlight filtering through the lofty branches of the trees alongside the road, catches a beautiful girl and brightens her expression. She is melancholic, but her features do a splendid job at hiding it...


7 PM, marina beach, year 2007 - The last semester is in progress. A group of friends have decided to discuss the weighty aspects of life. But when they start talking, they discuss about each other's crushes and wean out stories of romance and wooing. With a resolve to stay in touch, come what may, they watch the rush of waves teasing the shore, never ceasing and resolute in their ebb and flow. Time flees by and before they realize its too late, they rush back to catch the last of the buses!


Midnight, year 2008 is about to dawn - A group has decided to unwind from work away from the humdrum of the city in faraway Coorg. They dance to the beats of the latest blockbuster 'Jab we Met' even as they thank their stars for being part of a wonderful team that knows how to celebrate successes! The revelry continues well into the new year in the hope that the times can only get better...


7 PM, India Coffee House, Bangalore - Some friends are gathered at this relic from the past relishing the taste of the vegetable cutlet and the bread toast. They discuss mundane things, never once thinking that they are grown-ups now. They come out, click numerous pictures, take a walk on brigade road, ogle at beauties walking by and go their different ways...

It is memories like this, that make life happier, funnier and memorable. Without companions by your side who share your concerns and understand your thoughts and intentions, life is but a drag. With the hope of soaking in many more evergreen memories, I end this post.

The cornerstone of Happiness

This post is the outcome of a long walk that I enjoyed this week. I was at the silk board junction and I decided to walk the whole way home...a good 40 minute walk listening to music from my mobile. It was refreshing though physically exerting. It made me ponder over a few things happening lately in my life. Happiness - Is it ephemeral? Is it fleeting? Yes because most of the time, we don't make an effort towards holding on to it. Either our ambitions or our fears surface too strongly (with an emotional overtone attached) to wash away the happiness. We are then left yearning again. This is a cycle that repeats itself ceaselessly. We can best avoid this cycle if

• We find a few people around us who genuinely care for us and have the best of intentions for us. We should hold on to them like a man dying of thirst and never leave them. These few people might vary in different periods of our lives but happiness will remain elusive without them.
  
• We don't harbor hate towards anybody for long. Hate is an emotion that slowly kills and works like a parasite. The sooner we realize that we are harboring hatred towards somebody (however bad he/she might behave towards us), the better we can take care of our own health.
  
• We assess and count the blessings we have around instead of always running behind rainbows lurking in the distance. It is good to have lofty goals but to trod on obsessed over them without action is one road that will definitely not lead to happiness.
  
• We possess a child like enthusiasm for the world outside our living room. I am fortunate in this regard to be living with such a roommate. His raw enthusiasm and complete involvement in any activity that he takes up/gets involved in is a rarity in any human being.
  
• We cultivate an eye to admire beauty in little things. It might be the smile of a child or the manner in which a girl's hair catches the light. These are the things that keep us fresh and youthful - beauty is an elixir when understood properly. A fertile and uncluttered imagination can certainly help here.
  
• We clearly define the set of people whose opinions and views about us matter to us. If we don't define this clearly, we may end up trying to please or care for people who would be indifferent to it or on the other hand try to define our own interests too narrowly and end up being insensitive.
  
• We have multiple interests in life. These serve as cushions to fall back on - when one is not going right for us, it doesn't eat away our happiness, we always have the others to take solace in. It might be a hobby, a passion or a unique skill to which we have an outlet.
  
• We take good care of our memory. Carefully pruning what we remember and making sure we forget things that should not be piled up, we can build a reservoir that will support us in the worst of times.
• We see the past and the future in perspective so that the present is not lost. Every moment we have is to be cherished and made the best use of. If the past and the future stake too much claim on us, it is time for some conscious effort to correct the imbalance right away!
• We try to make others happy everyday. Nice gestures, kind words, intent listening - these can work wonders. A smile in the face of a friend or even a stranger because of us - we might ourselves not realize the impact it can have on us.

This list is purely an attempt at making sure that there is something handy whenever that word - happiness - is spoken of. It is the result of personal experiences and learning that ought not to be forgotten!